Sunday, December 19, 2010

Selfish Reasons

Wednesday, 10 Novembre 2010

I had a good but sad filled day. I ready two books: “PUSH” by Saphire and “Animal Farm” by George Orwell. I had started and finished “The Last Unicorn” in just over one day. Why am I hiding myself in books again? For the first time I thought to myself that I really don’t want to be here… and if I do… I might be here for the wrong reasons… I quickly shrugged these off and blamed my blue mood. But am I really here because I want to be or because I know I should be and this is because I don’t know what else I would do? Am I here because I know it will do ME good when 2 years come and go? What is this nonsense? I should be here because I care about helping these people who live in this community – if not to start big projects, at least to help one person. Am I not here because I am a selfless person? Why am I thinking in such selfish ways? Where does selfless come from when there is still the root of self. You cannot act upon one thing without thinking of the effects on you…or can you? I guess I’m still learning – I’m always learning. But most of all I’m learning about myself/others/and how we all meld together. I know I have acted when there was no such reward for myself – but I also know that the ability to say that is an award in itself, is it not? Selfless and selfish meld together as you and I do. If we were all selfless I do believe the world would come to a standstill. If we truly were all selfless our being would disappear because we wouldn’t have anyone to be selfless towards. I hate it. But the world seems to need selfishness in order for there to be those who give themselves to others.

Or maybe I’m being selfish in wanting to be selfless.

Maybe I’m just playing with words.

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