“I’m a Single Cell on a Serpant’s Tongue”

December 08, 2010 Wednesday

I’m always amazed at how music takes command of my emotions. I know I’ve said this before – but I don’t think I’ll ever get over this amazement. Different bands trigger different friends, shows, relationships, failures, and successes, all things connected to me. I even feel things I don’t want to. Frustrations. Annoyances. Fights with loved ones. Sadness. But the joy I get from remembering overrules those distractions.

At a moment I was disappointed at the actions and decisions of past friends, was in the middle of a fight with an ex, was too numb to say my true feelings to the one I was with, contemplately what failure really means – but then I was driving to a concert, flirting with my best friend, cooking dinner with my lady love, hula hooping outside, running at night with my co-workers, driving with my sisters, listening to records with my mom, washing the car with my dad. I was in Huffman, Dallas, Austin, Midland, Wichita Falls, San Marcos, and Houston.

Music holds me together and rips me apart. Music means so much to me. I really don’t know where I’d be without it. But some music needs new memories – I am caught thinking of people I don’t want to think about due to music I shared with them, moments in time when they were important but now are the very last thing I’d want to think about. I know sometimes these memories are good – but right now I wish I had different ones playing in my head. I guess I’ll just have to make new ones when I get back to the States.

“You’re the yellow bird I’ve been waiting for”

My Attempt at Organizing my Life

22 October 2010

My mind has been crowded with talks of marriage. Let’s get back to here: where I am: small village: Burkina Faso: West Africa: 5 hours ahead of the life I knew back in the States. No births lately. The top 3 maladies: Palu (malaria), Rhinosomethingoranother (upper respiratory infection), and Parasitosis (intestinal parasites). The groups being affected the most: Adult women & children/infants ages 1-4. What does this mean? It means (when I start being able to do work) my sensiblisations should be targeted towards women with children. What to do next? PACA (if I knew the exact meaning of those four letters, I would write them out for you all – just know it’s different community focused, participatory activities to study the culture, community and mindsets of the people). What PACA tool? Daily activities of all the different women and men: including all three ethnic groups: Mossi, Gourounsi, and Feulfeuldé. Then talk to the members of CoGes (Comité de Gestion – I don’t know how to translate this, sorry). I need to do a needs assessment with the staff of the CSPS also.

Either way – I have too much music flowing through me. I’ve realized I want and more than anything else need this music.

T A N G E R I N E

06 Octobre 2010

Beak's 23rd Birthday was YESTERDAY!

Happy Belated Birthday!!

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I've hit a low. It happened after I ate dinner - but I'm sure before then.

I was her love.

She was my Queen.

Thinking how it used to be.

Does she remember times like these?

To think of us again...

and I do.

I think because my head is filled with the future instead of the present: this is why I hit my low. I'm focusing on where I'll be in 2 years instead of 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months. My heart yearns to be there in the future - but my body is confined to the present. I must stay here. This is my home and it won't go any faster if I try to live with my physical body here but my heart and mind elsewhere.

Stop it.

You're here.

Put these feelings on hold.

Bring me Back

Sunday, 22 Août 2010

"and there you are asleep against the window pane just like always - you said you like to hear the rain sometimes and all I can do is tell you the truth"

What is it about music that completely brings you back?

I have traveled back in time and am driving the Hyundai Elantra with Bean, Chris and Jimmy listening to this band full blast - driving out on dirt roads without a care in our minds. It's amazing.

Earlier I was with Adam - listening to him sing at the top of his lungs to Jamie Cullen while we're driving to Rosa's to get some tacos for his family in Midland. All I could do was laugh - that's it. I wish I could call him and talk to him about how much I miss him - Not just in a mushy gooshy way, but really, truly miss his company...when it was just me and him: Beak and Bird. I miss joking around with him, teasing him, him teasing me and just hanging out together.

I love music. I love the way it can completely transform your day: your experiences: your everything. Even your relationships. Sometimes I wonder if Adam's mom had it right when she told us about her dream. Maybe she isn't seeing the whole picture, not everyone in the dream is a clear image.

Until then - I'll live my life through this music that flows through my veins.