What a Blur

This has been quite a journey. From the first thought of applying for the Peace Corps, to the process of applying, the stress of gaining much needed experience, to the anxious feeling of having to wait, the unbelievable feeling of relief when all was done, and all I had to do was wait, the overwhelming excitement after being accepted & invited, to the realization that I'll be leaving in less than a week. What a journey.

It's funny, but when I'm home packing for my two year rendevouz, I'm not anxious, nor am I worried about leaving. It almost feels like I'm not leaving. & Hopefully my body isn't trying to trick me into thinking I'll just be gone for a little while. These days, months, years have all passed so quickly. It's been a very detailed blur. I have gone in and out of stress - in and out of the excitement, the terror, the anxiety, the joy, and most of all the sadness. I am fully out of that. I am not fearful, I am not sad, I am not anxious. I am excited - in a much milder tone. I am calm. I like it this way. I don't feel like it's forced. I feel as if this is how I should be. I know there will be times when I will write in my journal, or say to myself: what have I gotten myself into...but I know what I've bargained for, and this is exactly what I want (at least this is what I think).

I can't wait to meet all the other PCTs who are going to be in Philadelphia on the 21st. I'm excited to learn where they are from, and how they decided on what they are about to embark on. I'm excited to meet the community in which I'll be living. I'm overwhelmed with excitement and nervousness about the language barrier - but I truly believe my French will pick right back up again - and I'll be able to learn both French and the local language quickly. Ha. I BETTER. I will live, breathe, speak, eat & sleep those languages. Hopefully I'll even post some entries in either the local language or French (I'm actually really excited about that).

Well - it truly has been a blur of friends, relationships, family, locations, education & life experiences. I'm so privileged to have been with such good company, and so many positively influential people in the past three years: these people, and things I have learned have molded me into the person I am right now - regardless of whether the change was minute or drastic. I am so thankful for all the support I have. I just wanted to say thank you.

I am a prisoner of Stress

Stress has taken a hold of me, and my body has finally submitted to its power.

I can't describe how I feel these days. It's a mix of anxiety, excitement and an overwhelming feeling of what ifs. I am trying to keep myself calm, but in the midst of preparing to depart, exchanging addresses, saying "until next time" to friends, flying/driving to see family, and then everything needed to finalize here in Austin - it's all becoming a blur.

And with this blur comes sickness. I am weak. I am not hungry. I am fatigued - both mentally and physically. I am congested. I cannot breath. I have body-aches. I have headaches. I am not well.

But I know this will be better. I also know that I'll have many bouts of this while I'm in Africa. This is just the beginning. This is why I'm trying to stay off meds that we take advantage of here in the States. I am trying to naturally get rid of my headaches and body-aches. I am also just taking it easy this weekend. I know that rest is essential, and the past week has not been very accommodating to that aspect of my life which is greatly needed.

I am already missing my friends and family.

First bout of Stress

Since I got invited, I've been more than ready to leave the country and be on my way...yet, for some reason, today I just broke down and cried. I have a lot on my plate right now: two jobs, two volunteer obligations, two cats now (I'm cat-sitting, and Lily hates me and her new but temporary home), and on top of that too much debt.

I'm trying to be a waitress at the Flying Saucer - a really neat bar in Austin, but seemed to have lost my mind and all of my material to study for this five page cumulative test which is required to move on to a "skill out" - an oral test over the phone which is usually given by corporate - which is required to begin picking up shifts and actually making your own money. This training is intense but they say it all comes back to you when you start working. I have no doubt in my mind it would - but because I'm only going to be working there for about a month - I'm having second doubts.

Point is - I'm stressed, and didn't think the process of getting myself completely ready to depart would be so mentally exhausting. I'm being torn in so many directions, it's difficult to set my priorities straight. Money. Time. Friends. Family. Work. Apartment. Volunteer. It's all beginning to be too much and I think I just need to stop thinking about all of it so much.