"Mais, Elle Ne Comprend Pas Le Francais" Said my Mother

01 August 2010

Today was very frustrating. Frustrating is the perfect word. I was not sad. I was not mad. I was not overwhelmed.

I

was

frustrated

Here we go: I woke up around 7:30 because my bladder was literally about to explode! So I wake up, get up and contemplate going back to sleep - but then I think about working out ... neither happened. Instead: I washed up, got dressed and ate some breakfast: oatmeal, powdered milk and sucre cubes + hot water. Just like home, eh? After all that, around 9:30, I wanted to go walk around before Martine woke up and before we went to go to the grand marche. So, let's start with the fact that we should always be with another person when we go out: "the buddy system" - but the small marche is just down the dirt road and I figure I would be fine if I walk down to the small marche and buy some tomatoes, cucumbers and bissapp for lunch. So I tell my mother "je vais aller au petit marche acheter des tomates, cocumbres, et bissapp." && She did not want to let me go! I tried to explain that I'd only be gone, tops, 30 minutes. She was still adement about not letting me go alone and kept asking me to wait for Martine - or wake her up. She continued to mention the fact that I didn't speak good French nor understand Moore.

At this point I'm so upset! I can't put into words what I was feeling - at least not in French...so I couldn't explain that I was very capable of going to the marche and bargaining prices down and understanding what was being said to me. At this point in the conversation the daughter and son were both commenting on how Demi (the daughter) or Martine should accompany me to the marche. I give up and go inside and shed some tears because I'm so fed up with not being able to express myself. I'm unable to be independent - yet, I feel like I would be fine if I were on my own! But I can't be here due to my host family being too protective and not understanding that I need to learn somehow - and I learn best by DOING.

Martine wakes up maybe 10 minutes later and goes outside to use the latrine and our mother starts talking to her - and I hear my name and the conversation went into how I wanted to go to the marche by myself. I go outside because my mom said I don't understand French or Moore...

BUT I DO!! I UNDERSTAND

I COMPREHEND THE FRENCH LANGUAGE MORE THAN PEOPLE THINK OR GIVE ME CREDIT FOR!!

SO

SO

SO

FRUSTRATING.

So I go out and in English I tell Martine that I'm completely frustrated and I don't want to be treated like a 12 year old. I want to be able to stumble and fall on my words and feel embarrassed because I can't understand - that's good for me. And I end up shedding more tears and notice my mother is crying too. Good god! I felt so bad!! I didn't want her to cry! I wasn't mad at her - I was just frustrated that I was being treated like a child. I don't want someone to speak for me - I don't want to rely on someone else's voice-box. I don't want to just expect things to be translated for me.

F R U S T R A T I N G

Anyway - we all apologized and we went to the grand marche. Bought food for dinner and went to the cyber! Got to talk to Ma & Pa!

Mom is so flippin' cute & dad is hilarious! I miss them and was so happy to see them both. They were both amazed by Skype. I'll admit - it's really neat-o-fa-heat-o. I saw my baby girl Mango too!!

Anyway - time for bed.

I'm less frustrated.

Still waiting on my period.

Period, oh period - where out thou?

Can you please show your pretty red face?

kthanxbai.

I Need Music

Monday, 26 July 2010

"I'm building myself a boat

It's gonna sail across the globe

until I find what I want.

It's gonna sail across these seas

until I find what I need.

And you can come along.

No we won't be gone for too long.

We'll be back, back before dawn."

"You may have seen the world, dear...but you don't know me"

"I want to be your appetite

I want to be your good dreams,

your bad dreams.

I can't help it - you're so, so beautiful."

"How you wake up every morning with a new bird in your head...

yea - well we all change in our ways - in our own pretty ways"

Piment in Burkina Faso

Sunday, 25 July 2010

Wow!

I almost died today.

Died I tell you!!

Martine and I are making the family dinner tonight so we decided to make spaghetti - easy enough, right?

• 1000 onions
• 2 bundles of green onions / chives
• 3 green bell pepper-like things
• 8 cloves of garlic
• 2 small purple eggplants
• 1 itty bitty orange pepper / piment

So I'm cutting the onions and boy do they clear up the sinuses! I was sniffling and tearing up like never before...gosh. Onions. Diced. Done. Then I cut the green peppers. Diced. No Seeds. Done. Next I tackle the itty bitty pepper... I ask Martine if she knows how hot/spicy it is - she doesn't know - so I cut into it and try to smell it but can't smell a thing. So I cut it up like a spice and we're done preparing our veggies for dinner. I know not to touch my eyes because of the onion but I wipe my mouth and nose because of the onion making me shed some tears. Not 5 minutes later I'm RUNNING to splash water on my face!

My mouth and nose are

ON FIRE

I'm in so much pain I run outside to the spicket and splash water on my face - which makes it worse because I'm just spreading it all over ... so I RUN back inside and Martine is all sorts of worried and is trying to tell "splash water in your eyes!! Splash water in your eyes!!" I get soap and RUN back outside and start washing my hands and face - by this time my father is walking over to me to see what all the ruckus is - and he just looks so confused like: why's this crazy, non-French speaking American freaking out? And I turn off the water and just look at him and he just laughs and says okay - and I have no idea how to tell him that my face is on fire from a damn pepper!! I splash more water on my face and get a little in my eyes - so I'm thinking I'm gonna go blind now! Oh gosh - it was terrible. I rushed back inside to wipe my face and Martine is still trying to tell me to splash water in my eyes! I finally just give up and give into the burn. And boy - does it hurt. Martine finally is like: it's not toxic - it's just food, it'll go away. hah. It's still BURNING! But it's subsided a lot.

And that's my death, near death, experience.

Moral of the story - NEVER touch your face or body with the same hand that cut or touched piment in this damned hot country.

Never.

Happy Birthday Devon! You're TWENTY-FIVE!!

Saturday, 24 July 2010

The past few days have been a little rough...we moved in with our host family: mom, dad, three daughters and a son. The family is Muslim - but the father only chooses to have one wife. His reasoning: one woman is enough trouble for him - you add more women and jealousy flourishes and problems arise. So true. The family is very nice - so accommodating and welcoming and non-intrusive! Which is all explained by the father having worked for the Peace Corps in the past. It definitely has an effect on how he treats us. The PC does a really good job at "preparing," "training" and "briefing" the host families and employees here about Americans and what we value: independence, time, individuality, space, etc. And our host family is doing a wonderful job at respecting those things.

So why have the past few days been a little rough? The only thing frustrating is language - I know. I know it will come. I'm just being very impatient! It's so frustrating to not be able to communicate with my host family - and it's really embarrassing and insulting when my roommate is having in-depth conversations in French (her first language) with our host father and then I struggle to talk about my cats we had (when I was younger) back home giving birth all at the same time. I guess I just have to laugh at myself. I'm also trying to learn more words in Moore...problem with that: my terrible, terrible memory. It's ridiculous and so...what's the word?...frustrating! It happens with both French and Moore. gah.

Ca vas aller

Ca vas aller

It will go

It will go

It Will Go

It know it will - but it's also so intimidating.

On another note - I got a new battery for my phone and was able to talk to my mom today for the first time since she's been back from visiting Bean in Kyrgyzstan! I asked her all about it: she said it was weird for her to be back in the States! Just after 2 weeks she felt that way - imagine 2 years! But she also said it was really hard - she couldn't communicate with anyone and the living quarters seems like the same as what I've got here - concrete houses, bucket baths, latrines (maybe) I don't know if Bean has electricity or not...I know she doesn't have running water. Mom said her time was a little fun, but "fun" was going to a place with running water. ha. Sounds like here.

I really can sympathize with Bean and the language - I feel her anxiety and frustration - she was learning the local language and BAM she was yanked out of there and is now put in a situation where she has to learn a whole new language! She practically had to start all over again. I can only imagine how frustrating that would be. Good luck Beannie! and I really do hope she does good things at her new site!

I worked out today

and it felt G R E A T!

I am so weak though!!! Not great. I hope to start a routine and continually work out - I don't want to just lose weight here and lose all my muscle - I'd rather gain some muscle! Cha!

Break a Sweat!

Pump that Iron!

Beak would be Proud!!

The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle

Thursday, 22 July 2010

"The world where shadow is shadow and light is light, yin is yin and yang is yang, I'm me and he's him.

'I am me and

He is him:

Autumn Eve'

But you don't belong to that world. The world you belong to is above or below that.

The point is, not to resist the flow. You go up when you're supposed to go up and down when you're supposed to go down. When you're supposed to go up, find the highest tower and climb to the top. When you're supposed to go down, find the deepest well and go down to the bottom. When there's no flow, stay still.

'I am he and

He is me:

Spring Nightfall.'

Abandon the Self: and There You Are

"

Breath: 1, 2, 3...

Wednesday, 21 Juillet 2010

7:47

Woke up fairly late

in a fairly okay mood

on this fairly cloudy day.

I think this will describe how my day will go.

Go.

I'm okay.

I don't think it helps that my roomie is in a crappy / upset mood - but others, I know, shouldn't effect my mood. Yet, it's difficult to maintain this smile and perky attitude when people around me are grumpy... these peers of mine influence my wellbeing.

We're having a session on maintaing a strong mental health this morning.

Maybe I should listen?

And Let's Climb Invisible Stairs Together...

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

We've been in Koudougou for about three days now and it's been quite a "re-adjustment" period. We're housed in a room of 4, latrines, outdoor showers, no A/C and are - as always - with the same people all the time. It has gotten a little overwhelming. I see all the same faces every day. Health people 24/7: which isn't terrible, but isn't good. I feel like my English is getting worse as I study French and am around people who speak in broken sentences.

Phew - enough complaining.

The other night we all went out to get a beer and this little deaf boy whom I befriended found me again! Mon Ami!! It's so difficult to see people, but children especially, with handicaps in this country. Other children would attempt to talk to him - but a lot of them seemed to only mock him. Even the other trainees were making fun of him - shame on them. It didn't make any sense that people are here to help - and yet - they don't have the compassion for the people who need help; not even help, but just someone to make them smile. I got in a conversation, small talk really, with another trainee and he had the audacity to tell me I should be holding a rosary and go pray. What? No thank you. I don't need a god to be compassionate nor do I need one to be "well behaved" - which is what he was inferring. It really made me mad. It just really irks me when I find characteristics of people who are here to help that completely contradict what they should feel or do or act. Ridiculous.

Anyway - I'm getting more and more ready to just be living and working. I want so badly to speak the language: French and the local language - whatever that may be. I'm ready to be in village. I'm excited to know where I'll be living for the next 24 months. It's been just a month since I left good ol' Texas - and I've learned so much. Tonight, for instance, I was bombarded by a large group of vendors and random Burkinabe. It was a little scary - the ladies were demanding I buy avocados, bananas and citrus - but all I wanted was some apples. I told a lady and she RAN to get them for me and then shoved them in my face. 1500 franc CFA for three apples. I said no way! Trop cher! And got her down to 900 franc CFA - which is still a little much...should be able to buy 5 for a mil (1000) CFA. While I was bargaining with her there were men digging at my bike tool bag and I literally had to grab his hand and shove it away. Then a lady was grabbing at my nalgene. Geez - it was ridiculous. Frustrating. I went to leave and a lady got on my bike because I didn't buy her avocados! I was pissed. They were just trying to take advantage of this nessara!

bagh. Ca va aller.

Aside from all that minute drama I've decided I miss being affectionate with another being.

I should probably get over this...

immediately.