Friday, October 29, 2010

Where is my Foundation?

21 Octobre 2010

Sometimes I wonder what I'll really do for the rest of my life. Will I really be a doctor? Or will I give up my dream career and my aspirations to be a damn good mother? Or will I end up being a photographer? Will I end up working a 9-5 so I can come home and fix dinner by 7:30pm? Will I travel the world, unmarried to a man, but rather married to my career? Like Dr. Farmer, who's married - but more so to his never ending list of patients. I really don't know. It all sounds so far away, but I know and feel as if it's right around the corner. Will I stay close to my family? Will my Beak and Vagabond be with me through my journey?

This is what I love about the future: you don't know. You can plan and plan until you can't and when the everchanging mistriss of time rolls around and shows you how she sees things - it will, more than likely, be entirely different than what you had in mind. I love it - and I hate it. All at the same time. I am so curious to know how it will pan out, but I am also very much worried that my planning is simply - to be frank - a waste of time and whatever happens is beyond what I can plan and has been laid out in the hands of karma, a higher being, what have you. Maybe my former self has already made my future his or her past and the present is merely a tape player rewinding itself. I guess, I suppose, I should be patient. That's one characteristic I need to work on: Patience. I am too American for that virtue. I must rid my roots and cling to a calm mind.

I feel like a "nestless bird"
- Ti Jean of Haiti
- Mountains Beyond Mountains


  1. You know what? There is nothing wrong with self reflection and questioning. Nothing wrong with setting goals and building dreams. Yet, the wrong part surfaces when we are so busy figuring our the "shoulds" and "coulds" that we forget the "wills" and satisfaction escapes us. Let life live and strive each day to find happiness, no matter how small or momentary it may be. Simply being and stillness is a good thing..let yourself off the hook in trying to have all the answers. Life is a mystery to be lived not a puzzle to be solved. I LOVE YOU...

  2. Always. I also agree with the comment above. Wise words, I shall adhere to them as well.

  3. But not knowing is still really scary. Not that I don't enjoy the mystery, but my greatest fear is not having done anything with my life.

    Btw, Hi Lauren, I haven't talked to you in forever. Actually, I just suck at technology.