Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Dead Fish are Toys Here

15 Fevrier 2011

"Who can really distinguish between the sea and what's reflected in it? Or tell the difference between the falling rain and loneliness?"

What can I say about yesterday? Sometimes I feel as if keeping a record of my thoughts/feelings/emotions is pointless... but I know it not only clears my head, but allows me to think about what's going on in my world. Certain people have different outlets... and one of mine is writing. Yesterday was Valentine's Day... I used to dub it Singles Awareness Day: S.A.D. ha. Well, I am single, but I don't feel alone. Okay, that's a lie. I feel single. I feel alone. I feel lonely. I feel undesirable. But I'm comfortable... maybe that's not the right word... I feel... well, I don't know how I feel about it. I feel conflicted, but okay with that confliction. Valentine's Day has always been a kind of sad awakening for me - time for me to wake up and know I'm just find being BY MYSELF on this day for couples. I can proudly say I am able to fully support myself and my happiness on these two feet of mine. I am strong enough, independent enough, bright enough, and all that nonsense to be just fine on my own.

I don't need to have anyone tell me that I'm doing fine or reassure me of my importance. Yes - it is nice, but it's definitely not necessary.

I talked with Adam and he seemed really down in the pits. His car is broken and he may have to save up for a new one - but there was definitely something else, something more to the dullness of his voice than a broken car. I told him that he's acting like I'm... knock on wood... dead. I'm just away for now and we're not together. We somehow allowed ourselves to fall into that pit of dependence though. I didn't sign up for that and I refuse to be corralled into a pin. I am a free bird right now and cannot handle having to worry about what my best friend is feeling, what my ma and pa are fighting about nor why my love quit her job... I deeply care about all of them, but living both here and there is... simply put... impossible.

Anyway - today was a new day and it was a rather good one. I'm reading "Little Bee" and it's wonderful. Easy to read and very touching. Somehow I think Ma sent it to me simply because one of the main characters is from Nigeria. :] I recently finished "Jitterbug Perfume" and am intrigued by the author - can't wait to read the second book Ashley sent me! I am also very much enticed by the word: Erleichda. There isn't an exact translation, but the way the author used it makes me want to get it engraved in my skin. Another book I just read was "Sputnik Sweetheart." It was good, nothing short of what I was expecting from Murakami and I think there are plenty of things I'll take from it on a second read.

Let's get back to today, shall we? I woke up naturally around 8:00 - I am trying to live my days without a watch on - I want to have my days conducted by the sun and not my watch. Hopefully I'll be getting up earlier and going to bed at a normal 9:00 - 10:00? I ate WAY too much oatmeal after I worked out for a bit: sit-ups, crunches, push-ups... and lots of lunges! I've decided I probably will NOT be able to eat whatever I please and NOT have a Buddha belly. So after eating my heaping bowl of oatmeal (big enough for 2 1/2 people) I decided that from now on I shall only allow a small cup of oatmeal in the morning and that's it! And then I even played with the idea of only allowing that cup to be my portion for each meal - I'll test it out & see what happens... tomorrow. Got dressed after my bucket bath and realized today we should have a CoGes meeting... so I dress in business casual and head out to the CSPS only to discover it practically being deserted! Agathe has been gone for like 4 days now and the major left for Sapouy and Ouaga on account of business and probably some pleasure (his wife lives in Ouaga) and he'll be gone for about a week. I did talk to the new nurse NEYA and found out that he's really nice and seems to know a lot about what he's doing. I think I'll be working with him a bunch these next two years.

Went to the marché after that and talked a bit in Mooré, Nuuni and Français but didn't do anything or say anything extraordinary. But thought it was quite funny that I ended up (as I frequently do) speaking all three languages, yeah, three!, within a span of about five minutes. Ahh. But I did buy a trashcan, a marmite (for a dutch oven) and 2011's pagne for International Women's Day! It's really pretty. Tomorrow I'll be going to Sap to get a dress made for Ashley and Josh's wedding in early March. And hopefully I'll buy some paint (FINALLY) for my house. I can't wait to paint my house and make it a home. I've already made some bulletin boards for pictures but haven't hung them because I want to paint beforehand. I'm getting two chairs made and I'm gonna find a carpenter tomorrow in Sap.

I wish I could scan in my drawing: I drew my favorite little boy in my family compound! Baboudou. He's adorable.

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