In Ouaga and can't get to bed. I told myself I'd go to sleep a long time ago and yet, here I am.
I'm hot. I'm exhausted. I'm restless. I'm thirsty. But mostly: I can't shut my brain off.
I've been chatting with a few fellows from Americaland this evening and will have to say, overall, I'm confused. I'm happy, but confused. Talked with Scott and was told that women have an overwhelmingly persuasive power that they hold over men. Okay - check. I know this and sometimes I take advantage of that fact and other times I'm scared by it and push it away. Next came Jarred - none of my letters have gotten to him. Disappointment. He has become so "NY" and such a ladies man! I can't wait to share some nights with him in the big Apple. I am promised food, bath and dancing. Yes. All fine with me. Lastly came Adam. Oh, what can I say about that man anymore? It's such a tug-of-war with him, my heart, his heart, his wants, my situation. He tells me one thing and then says another. I told him he's in a contradicting funk right now and that he's running around in circles - turning around and yelling at his shadow. I told him I will disappear. He doesn't want that. But he wants to try his luck with his new fix. But blames me for being in his head. Again. I can make him forget me easily. I have those capabilities. I can shove his out of my life - but I don't know if I would ever let him in again if he chose to take that option. I'm to the point of not even seeing him when I come home in December. I may just fly into NY, layover for two days and then fly down to Houston and stay there - well, I'd have to visit San Marcos to see Ashley and I may, no, I have to go to Austin to see Mel, Steve and Bish (maybe do a shoot... for old times sake? ha). But really - if he wants things to work with him and his PYT then I will respect that. Though I'd also love to go see him and show him what he's been missing and choosing to pass up. It just seems complicated right now and it is, of course, nine months away. No need for me to fret.
Only thing I need to now is that I'll layover in NY and then fly to Houston.