Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Not Censored

23 Fevrier 2011

6:00 - Wake up/Pack/Wash/Sunscreen
6:35 - Leave Hil's house
6:57 - Get on bush taxi, off to Ouaga
10:oo - Arrive in centreville Ouaga, bike to TH
11:32 - See more signs of affection between Beak and PYT
12:00 - Send mean message via FB to Beak
13:00 - Regret sending message & call

Talking with him was... wonderful? I first thought it would end badly - we would yell, me cry, and possibly ruin our friendship/love for a while. At least all I wanted to do was yell at him and tell him that he's being stupid and selfish and is rushing into something when I know how he feels. But instead - he made me laugh instead of cry. I hate him. I hate that he is rushing into this relationship with this girl. I hate that he did this in a week since we last talked. I hate that I'm not there. I hate that I told him I didn't want his support anymore here. I hate that he thought I wanted to cut ties: cut hearts. I hate that I can't do anything about this. I hat that I fear he'll fall for this girl, his new PYT. I hate that I'm a year and a half from him. I hate me sometimes. I hate my defense mechanisms.

But, undeniably, I cannot say my hate doesn't derive from a deeper emotion. Though I spit venom at him and his new fix. I spit venom because I'm hurt. I spit because I am scared. I spit because I had doubts. I speak because I know I made a mistake.

I still don't know what to do about this situation. I don't want him to forget me. I know - truly - he wont, but momentarily - he will. I know he can. But maybe it would be best for me to let it rest. I'm starting work. HEARTH models. Camps. Cloth Books. Moringa planting. Porridge demonstrations. Maybe if I let it rest, my time here will fly and I can get home sooner.

I should censor these, shouldn't I?

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